The writer hard at work. [...]
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During a recent discussion with a friend of mine we both realized we’re more alike than previously thought. See, she’s always in a relationship. I’m not. I always thought I had a fear of commitment but have recently come to terms that that’s not my problem. I commit to lots of things. I have long-time friends. I pay my rent. I easily see projects through to the end. In reality I’m a pretty committed person. Turns out we both she and I have a fear of intimacy. Yet, according to societies standards we girls supposedly have been dreaming of marriage and children since we were three. At three, I was deciding what I wanted to be when I grew up and had decided I wanted to be a doctor, a lawyer, a ballet dancer, an ice skater and the president. The problem I faced at the time was how I would do them all. Never did I see a future husband. I never dreamed of a big wedding and I never dreamt of having kids. [...] Judge not thy neighbor. Although I have to say everyone seems addicted to judging and critiquing anyone they can muster a breath about: strangers, co-workers, lovers, friends, family, the president, people in big cities, middle-America, Europeans, Muslims. It’s an epidemic. You cannot put people in boxes. It’s impossible. We’re constantly changing, evolving, discovering new things about ourselves and hiding portions of ourselves from the outside world. If someone’s behavior does not flow well with me I go my own way. No need to ostracize or put them down, I’ve got better things to do. [...] Women are never satisfied, he said. The comment stopped me dead in my tracks as my mind flitted through hundreds of past experiences. I cocked my head to side and had to agree with him. Men who are satisfied with life we label as lacking ambition. Most women without ambition are usually looking for men with ambition to do the work for them. From the chicken head from around the way looking for a guy to pay for her nails and hair to get done to the high-end gold digger that searches out wealthy-only husbands. Women are constantly in search to acquire material things, societal status, or a certain look to make her feel more beautiful, desirable and complete as a woman. [...] The wintery cold weather that is; I on the other hand am meandering up that hill like the little engine that could, but with noted less enthusiasm. Having completed the draft of my beloved novel a few weeks ago I’m struggling to find the strength to tackle the edits and rewrites like a champ. Instead I spend my days shooting the shit more or less in like of a chimp. After an inspiring conversation last week with another writer over mid-morning tea I went through my closets and threw away tons of old junk that I’ve been avoiding. During this cleaning event several bags of trash went out. A suitcase full on unused and old clothes sits waiting for me to drag down to the Salvation Army this week. [...] When I read the news of the young Irish immigrant girl in Massachusetts committed suicide due to bullying my anger flared like a dragon whose panties were caught in a bunch. If that were my child I would have kicked the asses of every one of those little nine savages that taunted her and then I would have kicked their parent’s asses, the principal’s ass and the asses of any teachers aware of the situation. Granted, I would be in jail afterwards but in my rage I would assume my child would be safe, just extremely embarrassed of me on a national and global platform for the rest of her life. [...] When to keep a secret and when to divulge? From the Brady Bunch episode that taught us no one liked a tattle tale via Jan’s experience of insistently tattling on her brothers and sisters; to her then taking the advice too far and not divulging important information when someone was in danger. As we get older where do we draw the line and do we get better at it? [...] I have a confession to make. I hated 2009. The year was a mesh of turbulence, stress and internal agony. The year through I felt as if I was consistently coming up with the short end of the stick. Don’t get me wrong I pushed forward like a bull demanding respect, refusing to fall into the stagnant patterns tearing away at my consciousness, but the grueling battle was all up hill. Far from what I had imagined when I made the decision to move back to the US in spring 2008. [...] She moved in a week early and once the last of her bags were dumped off at my apartment by the friend who was happy to get rid of her, she insisted on repainting the bedroom and began moving my personal things around the apartment as it suited her. I moved my things back. There are three shelves, three people live here, everyone get’s one shelf. Why is there an issue? [...] Once again the holiday season is upon and we are all getting ready to pile on top of one another in cars, buses, trains and planes, traveling to see friends and family whether we want to or not. Although the holidays are about festivity they are also a source of stress. The thrilling excitement of the [...] |
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