I was on a corporate website job searching when I came upon a position that spoke directly to my background. Great, I thought. Oh wait. The position is in Urbandale Iowa. I live in New York City. The thoughts immediately began to tumble around my head. Could I move to the mid West? My personality does well in many European cities but could I swing it in middle America? I Googled “living in Urbandale” and up pops apartments. A two bedroom townhouse rents for a thousand dollars. Washer and dryer hookup, fitness center on the premises, a pool, central AC, and the list goes on. A far cry from the flooding apartment and riff raff neighbors I currently deal with in my East Harlem neighborhood.
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Seeking smart nerdy type that can run faster than a speeding bullet and tolerate a moody alpha female. Kryptonite-toting-Caesar-complex twerps need not apply. So I have a Superman complex, you already hate me so do me a favor and shut up. Most many people have their own version of the ideal person for them that’s based on looks and how that person will act and make them feel all of the time. Many call this person their soul mate or “the one.” The truth is your soul mate is actually your imaginary friend. Everyone is running around looking for their imaginary friend to buddy up with for the rest of a very imaginary life. Imaginary kids that will do just as you tell them to do. Imaginary youth for eternity. Perfection. [...] Unpredictable weather, which means you’re lugging your umbrella around with you on sunny days unless you’re sure to have four dollars in your pocket for a cheap quickie on the street. It will take you double the amount of time to get anywhere on the metro. Especially if you’re fucking around with the 6 train or you’re [...] Spring is in the air, the sun shines boldly in the sky. One would think a positive outlook should be on everyone’s horizon but it’s not. I recently read somewhere that the mind can produce up to sixty thousand thoughts a day. Sounds absurd, but how many of us has the patience to verify that count? The mind is a phenomenon; humanity a mystery. Both religion and science try to explain it but it remains the enigma of yesteryear and today. [...] Desire, we all experience it to varying degrees; a craving for pizza, a taste for something sweet; the desire for affection, attention, acceptance, status, money or to have more than others. Desire is not necessarily a bad thing. Mankind is here today because of it. People have children out of desire. Without it we would not eat when hungry, or we’d go outside pick up a handful of mud and stuff it into our mouths. Without desire we would not inhale after an exhale. Problems arise when I desire a lover, marriage certificate, friend, attention more than I desire the well-being of myself. When I desire the big house and car yet don’t have the means to pay for it. I want long hair but haven’t taken care of the hair I have. I want unadulterated attention, love and affection but have no idea how to give it, because I don’t love myself. [...] Is it that you need glasses? If so I would have paid for the $20 dollar eye exam at Cohen’s. Do you have a drinking problem and therefore you’re aim is off? There’s AA. But to be honest my patience for your incompetence has run out. I’m on empty. I can understand if I was the alcoholic, drug abuser, cutter, stalker, emotionally cockeyed one but I’m in therapy working my ass off. And yet I’m left with another year of utter disappointment. [...]  I found refuge out of the cold at the New York Botanical Garden this past weekend. Had a splendid time walking through the balmy Caribbean garden while playing with my new camera. [...] Oh woe, the brown girl said. I’ve got nothing left to give. My breath run thin, my heart turned cold. My light fled south to the depths of Hades, where even the brightest star has turned its back on me. Its light smothered in the blackness of my plight, my struggle, my pain. Oh leave me be. I’ve got nothing left to give. Sucked dry of my milk, my laugh, my hope; you look at me with expectation that I should give you the rest. But I’ve already told you. I ain’t got nothin’ left to give. Here I die beneath the hot salty sands of another world. No heaven for me. I was too much the fool to get on that boat. Gave my seat to another thinking he was best than me. Ride high the clouds yonder across the red sea to a reality, much better than this. But no not for me. I don’t deserve nothin’ good. This girl stands here alone. [...] You play with words. Condescend. Twist and lie. I stand here listening to your shit with no place to hide. Infestation, poison slivers through my veins. I shiver, shake with rage. I breathe. Woo sah. That shit don’t work. Ommmmmm. All I see is the devil. You’ve got no class, self-respect or courage. I took pity on you. Now you try to play me for a fool. Don’t look at me. You’re shit ain’t dope. Spineless accusations fall flat. Your flavor stale, your style is whack. When did fear creep back; take center stage. No course of action. I stand here reacting. About to ignite, ensue a blood filled fight. And beneath the moonlight? The lights flicker. Untempered rage, asphyxiates. The earth shrinks. My suffering multiplies. [...] When the sky is at its blackest, the streets at their quietest, it is then that I allow my thoughts to run to him. I envision his face, his back, his hands, his legs as clear as day as I hide behind the cloak of night. When no mirrors can expose the guilt I feel as I yearn for the caress of his hands against my naked thighs or the shiver that runs course through my body at his unwavering gaze. The one who hurt me and of whom I should no longer care; I play a game of bygones during the day, but beneath the anonymity of the blackest nights, when even the moon hides its face, I fall weak and wander back into the solace of his arms. My unyielding love for him exposed. I suffer to feel his breath run rivers along my neck; his lips against mine; his tongue protruding the insides of my mouth in search of the answers he so desperately needs. [...] |
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