I was on a corporate website job searching when I came upon a position that spoke directly to my background. Great, I thought. Oh wait. The position is in Urbandale Iowa. I live in New York City. The thoughts immediately began to tumble around my head. Could I move to the mid West? My personality does well in many European cities but could I swing it in middle America? I Googled “living in Urbandale” and up pops apartments. A two bedroom townhouse rents for a thousand dollars. Washer and dryer hookup, fitness center on the premises, a pool, central AC, and the list goes on. A far cry from the flooding apartment and riff raff neighbors I currently deal with in my East Harlem neighborhood.
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Seeking smart nerdy type that can run faster than a speeding bullet and tolerate a moody alpha female. Kryptonite-toting-Caesar-complex twerps need not apply. So I have a Superman complex, you already hate me so do me a favor and shut up. Most many people have their own version of the ideal person for them that’s based on looks and how that person will act and make them feel all of the time. Many call this person their soul mate or “the one.” The truth is your soul mate is actually your imaginary friend. Everyone is running around looking for their imaginary friend to buddy up with for the rest of a very imaginary life. Imaginary kids that will do just as you tell them to do. Imaginary youth for eternity. Perfection. [...] With the announcement of the The Ladders new Signature program that guarantees you will land a job within six months or your money back, I’m disheartened at how todays market is so against the American worker. $2495 smack-a-roos for job coaching, a resume overhaul and job leads. I know job coaches have existed for ages. Resume service agencies have been raging since the dot com boom, but really? Companies pay search firms for talent. Now the talent has to pay a mint to find the job also? I spent the Easter weekend exploring art, creativity and self expression; away from the noise and contention of the unhappy and unsatisfied. I bought these flowers at Whole Foods several days before and was inspired. I spent the weekend trying to capture their beauty through words and photography. I bought the strawberry plant below at the farmers market in Union Square, I’m very excited about its possibilities. [...] Unpredictable weather, which means you’re lugging your umbrella around with you on sunny days unless you’re sure to have four dollars in your pocket for a cheap quickie on the street. It will take you double the amount of time to get anywhere on the metro. Especially if you’re fucking around with the 6 train or you’re [...] Spring is in the air, the sun shines boldly in the sky. One would think a positive outlook should be on everyone’s horizon but it’s not. I recently read somewhere that the mind can produce up to sixty thousand thoughts a day. Sounds absurd, but how many of us has the patience to verify that count? The mind is a phenomenon; humanity a mystery. Both religion and science try to explain it but it remains the enigma of yesteryear and today. [...] Desire, we all experience it to varying degrees; a craving for pizza, a taste for something sweet; the desire for affection, attention, acceptance, status, money or to have more than others. Desire is not necessarily a bad thing. Mankind is here today because of it. People have children out of desire. Without it we would not eat when hungry, or we’d go outside pick up a handful of mud and stuff it into our mouths. Without desire we would not inhale after an exhale. Problems arise when I desire a lover, marriage certificate, friend, attention more than I desire the well-being of myself. When I desire the big house and car yet don’t have the means to pay for it. I want long hair but haven’t taken care of the hair I have. I want unadulterated attention, love and affection but have no idea how to give it, because I don’t love myself. [...] When the sky is at its blackest, the streets at their quietest, it is then that I allow my thoughts to run to him. I envision his face, his back, his hands, his legs as clear as day as I hide behind the cloak of night. When no mirrors can expose the guilt I feel as I yearn for the caress of his hands against my naked thighs or the shiver that runs course through my body at his unwavering gaze. The one who hurt me and of whom I should no longer care; I play a game of bygones during the day, but beneath the anonymity of the blackest nights, when even the moon hides its face, I fall weak and wander back into the solace of his arms. My unyielding love for him exposed. I suffer to feel his breath run rivers along my neck; his lips against mine; his tongue protruding the insides of my mouth in search of the answers he so desperately needs. [...] Why is it so hard to unfriend an ex on Facebook post breakup and what does it mean when both the breaker upper and the broken hearted stay Facebook friends? Watching each others updates; getting upset and hurt when the other is having fun and finding solace when it seems they’re having a bad day. Yet neither will make the first move to unfriend the other. In the past I’ve gone almost mad not knowing what an ex was doing as I fought the urge to call them, wondering if they were thinking about me as much as I thought about them. These days I can skip right past the should or shouldn’t I call angst and find out how the ex spent their entire day, only to be crushed by the news that were out having fun, without me. The worst experience was going to my homepage one afternoon and seeing a picture they had posted of themselves with another woman, smiling. Since then I’ve learned how to block their posts and updates from my homepage, but the fact is I can still check up on them. It’s the passive aggressive way to drag out my own pain. A case of it hurts so bad it feels good. And when I do go to their page to sneak a look aka be a fly on the wall, I have only myself to blame since I know good and well I should have stayed away from their page in the first place as I spiral into a pit of self-loathing and self-pity. Yet, I have to admit that when things are going good for me I have no qualms splashing the news on my page in hopes that they’re reading about all my fun, without them. [...] The cool stone bottom brushes my brown skin, its coarse texture scraping the soft flesh. The pain comforting as I submerge deeper. I hold my breath, the feeling heightens. I spread my wings as feathers fall away, the bottom too coarse for their delicate nature. It’s my stop, the A train to High Street. I float down the sunny Brooklyn sidewalk to a place unknown. People mill around me, others walk with determination. They have someplace to be. Right now. Actually, yesterday. It’s New York. Everyone, everything is late. Always. Rush to get there. It was due yesterday, five minutes ago, a second ago. A movie with a view. The Statue of Liberty stands in the background. Her arms tired from holding that goddamn torch. Stuck in the middle of nowhere surrounded by everywhere as others look to her for something she can’t give. Never could. Never will. A picnic. Food. Laughter. Wine. Red please. I don’t care for White. Three yellow plastic cups later I’m high as I float across the cold wet grass, contented with the unyielding pain. The crude bottom ripping, scraping at my delicacies tickles my fancy. I could have sex right now. [...] |
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