Years ago a single woman past twenty-five was surely on her way to spinsterhood. By thirty what upstanding man would have anything to do with her? These days women have worked to loosen those pressures but to what avail? We can work and take care of ourselves easily without the support of a man. But if the natural instinct to cuddle up with someone kicks in the obstacle of finding a decent loyal guy to snuggle up beside you is like mission impossible.
In the past six months I’ve had The Fade pulled on me and not by some three or four month fling. I’ve known the guy over a decade and we’d been hanging out seven months before The Fade move. And it wasn’t even a fade. It was more of a “not speaking to me anymore type thing” with no explanation. No argument. No conversation. Just cut off.
Hurt, I meditated and fasted to get over my pain and availed to keep my head up. I met a new guy who seemed super interested and took my time to get to know him. One month in though I came to realize he was looking for someone to pay his bills. I’m not an ATM.
Still keeping strong I met a few more guys and tried to pursue sexy friendships with them. This is the “I know he’s interested, I am too but I want us to get to know each better before we hop in the sack.” Unfortunately, from one I got a nice but clear rejection after hanging out once. The others are just flaky and I assume they’re not interested but like to know they have a chick that they can text when bored.
Then there was the Albanian. I gave him my number. We hung out once and then he admitted he was married. I explained I date single men only and sent him on his way. He proceeded to call me up to twenty-five times a day and even showed up to my apartment unannounced (I wasn’t home). Finally a firm but gentle follow-up conversation got him to back off.
My last ex-boyfriend was married. We dated a year before I found out as his wife was conveniently living in France, an entire continent away. I don’t care to go into details of any of my previous exes because those were disasters also.
For years I’ve been working on myself. I try not to be too laid back but clingy is still not my thing. I make sure my men feel like men. I reinforce good behavior. I have boundaries but am not a stick in the mud. I’m comfortable with my body and open minded. I cook, clean, give wonderful massages and am uninhibited. I’m no Einstein but I like to think I’m pretty smart. I like to crack jokes and laugh. I live for myself but leave space for friends, family and lovers. By nature I’m a nurturer and I give freely, too freely sometimes because I’m not materialistic. Yet, to no avail can I find a decent fellow.
Recently a girlfriend of mine told me that on one of more popular dating websites Black women were the least looked at profiles. White, Asian and Spanish women all outnumbered Black women with profile looks and inquiries from men of all races including Black, White, Latin and Asian men. Yes, it’s officially confirmed that we Black women are on the bottom of every totem pole there is in America.
Years ago a group of us young black college women were told that the more education a woman has and the further along she moves in her career the harder it is to find a man. The pool decreases for women of all races but is even smaller for women of color.
And don’t talk to me about lowering my standards. I’ve dated trash men, doctors, artists, corporate guys and the unemployed and they were all treated like king of the world. Never compared to someone else, never wished upon that they were better, never judged for where they were in life. All I demand is a quality person, who carries himself with respect and has respect for me. And yet as the women in their lives I’ve felt judged, compared and wished upon for something else.
Sometimes I get the idea that some men think that because I am a single black woman that I must have low self-esteem, willing to put up with anything because I’m obviously starved for attention. Says who?
Once upon a time spinsterhood was looked upon as a bad thing, now it has a reassuring ring to it.
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