During a recent discussion with a friend of mine we both realized we’re more alike than previously thought. See, she’s always in a relationship. I’m not. I always thought I had a fear of commitment but have recently come to terms that that’s not my problem. I commit to lots of things. I have long-time friends. I pay my rent. I easily see projects through to the end. In reality I’m a pretty committed person.
Turns out we both she and I have a fear of intimacy. Yet, according to societies standards we girls supposedly have been dreaming of marriage and children since we were three. At three, I was deciding what I wanted to be when I grew up and had decided I wanted to be a doctor, a lawyer, a ballet dancer, an ice skater and the president. The problem I faced at the time was how I would do them all. Never did I see a future husband. I never dreamed of a big wedding and I never dreamt of having kids.
I wanted to be independent and have money. So that when the last slice of bread and peanut butter was gone, I’d have something to eat instead of arguing with my husband who spent all his money partying with his friends and doing coke.
Needless to say, I have not trusted intimacy since the age of three. The vulnerability of emotions that comes from opening up to someone else and allowing them to see you is overwhelming to me. I’m sure I’ll get hurt and be left alone in the end. If I’m seeing someone and my walls begin to shift I start having visions of marriage, being together forever and children. Although I’ve tried to see that scenario as a positive it scares the hell out me. I begin to feel as the air around me is evaporating.
Now don’t get me wrong. I’m a pretty smart cookie. I respect others. Got positive energy. I’m nurturing and listen well. I love to cook and make things. I’m not a bad catch. But when the scent of intimacy comes a knocking at my door one of the following scenarios ensues:
- I completely steer clear of it as if it were the plague (abstinence anyone?).
- Create a non-sexual intimate relationship with the person. That way I can control my emotions and there’s still the “one day we’ll be together when I’m ready” safety net.
- Date unavailable people who come with a blatant expiration date.
- Sabotage the shit.
My friend is the opposite of me in her approach. She takes the first leap and enters the relationship but once the honey-moon phase is over she doesn’t know what to do. Or how to do keep things going and eventually falls out of like with the person and breaks up with them; leaving a long line of broken hearts behind her.
Where’s the manual?
This is funny, insightful, and in-your-face honest. A jolt to get the day going that’s stronger than anything Starbucks has to offer.