I’m pissed off and feeling desperate all at the same time. It’s a horrible feeling. In the past four months I’ve been kicked off of unemployment twice because I ran out time to collect my allocated benefits. If they’ll only release one check a week how the hell do I run out of time to collect them? I’m ready to go kick someone’s ass down at somebody’s state office somewhere here in the city. Oh, wait. Damn! I have no money on my metro card. Well, when I get my next check I’ll be down there!
In the meantime I’ve been looking for cash only gigs to help me illegally supplement my unemployment benefits while I look for a job and finish draft two of my novel. After an in-depth perusal on craigslist I realize that my business degree and corporate experience, global or not, has really left me at a disadvantage.
Here are some of my options:
Gold digger
I have such ethical issues with this “profession” that I can’t bring myself to do it. I would feel too guilty. Plus, you usually have to go through a trailer load of guys before you snag some live ones. Um, I’m not interested in spreading my goods around NYC like mustard for a cheeseburger.
Escort
There’s less lying going on here, which is a plus. I give you the vajay-jay, you pay me money. But I can’t picture myself pulling the paycheck horizontally with some funky guy with hot breath spraying spit into my face. Eww.
Masseuse (unlicensed)
In other words I rub your package and a little more and you give me money. No.
Sauté line cook
I like to cook. At home. I imagine myself in a small, dingy hot ass kitchen at a counter working twelve hours shifts for like six bucks an hour.
Retail
You need a Ph.D the competition is so fierce these days to be a salesgirl. Plus I’d have to work fulltime to pull in what unemployment is paying me weekly. And few retail stores hand out full-time positions cause then they’d have to offer real benefits.
Home health aid
Not so bad BUT I’m not bathing, showering or wiping the ass of no one! And I’m not cleaning your house. It’s home aid, not maid mutha effers! This isn’t going to work I have way too much attitude going on here.
Boxers
Uhh, real boxing? I can fake box. I’m as delicate as a butterfly and as sweet as the honey in a beehive.
Handyman
I can bake cookies for the handyman!
I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to just buckle down and finish the rewrites of my novel and pray to the good heavens that it’s as good as I think it is and everyone else says it is. Cause unless I can find a marketing, communications, project manager or writing gig, I’m up shits creek.
When you go to the unemployment office, make sure you bring a hammer to smash the keyboard and computer, like the frustrated old lady Comcast customer!